The Darkness of Depression and The Light of The Gospel

"God is our refuge and strength."

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Someone once said, “You don’t realize the power of a moment until it becomes a memory.”

Back in October of 2021, there were several moments that made up a week that changed everything.

My dad, Cortez Suttles III, was battling heavy depression. He had been absent from work (which he loved) and battling the darkness of loneliness. My mother was diagnosed with Guillain-Barre Syndrome caused by adverse effects from the COVID shot. She was battling partial paralysis and was admitted to Emory Hospital in Atlanta, GA. This proved to crush my dad as he felt helpless.

I scheduled an appointment with his doctor and he (reluctantly) went. When his doctor asked him how he was doing, he was very transparent and honest. He admitted that he had not taken his antidepressants in over three months and that he was not eating. In fact, all he had in the pantry were peanut butter crackers. He came to the point where he lacked the will to live.

The next week, I was honored to preach a Gospel meeting for my home congregation: The Adairsville church of Christ in Adairsville, GA. Though my dad was not a Christian, he went to support me. At the end of each service, he stood beside me and “shook out the brethren.” Everything seemed to be okay on the outside, but deep down, something was terribly wrong.

Wednesday, October 20th was the final night of the Gospel Meeting. The theme of the meeting was “Weathering The Storm” which is the name of my podcast on The Scattered Abroad Network. I looked at my dad when I extended the invitation and vividly remember saying, “If you are battling the darkness, come to the Light” and quoted Matthew 11:28-30 before delivering the plan of salvation as it is revealed in the New Testament. Unfortunately, he did not respond to the Gospel, but I know he heard it.

That night, we agreed on ordering pizza (Papa John’s was the newest pizza place in Adairsville). It happened to be too late when we called to order, so my wife used what we had to make egg sandwiches. I asked my dad if he wanted some coffee, and while he never drank it that late, he drank some coffee with me. Little did I know that would be our last meal together.

The Braves were playing in the World Series. They had a chance to win it, but lost that game. They would go on to win the series by winning Game 6 in Houston. As the game was winding down, my dad looked at me and said, “I hope the Braves come back and win it all. I’m going to “hit the hay,” and I’ll see you in the morning. I said, “Yes, sir; sounds good.” Those were the last words we would ever exchange.

We had planned on going to see Momma the next day. Her birthday is October 30th so it was a chance to spend some time with her before my family and I headed back home to South Georgia. I got up pretty early that day, but he was sleeping in (which was very strange). I played some PlayStation with my son, cleaned up around the house, and spent some time with my wife and three girls. Around 11:00 AM, I went in to check on my dad to see if he was ready. I’ll never forget the moment I opened the door.

The smell was so distinct. There was a haze in the room, and I smelled gunpowder. I truly believe that I was just a few minutes too late. My dad had pulled the trigger to his beloved 1911 Colt .45 as the bullet went through his heart, the mattress, and the floor. I called his name several times and walked right up to him. In an effort to keep my composure, I said, “I’m going to go get dressed and I’ll be back. Remember we are going to see Momma today.” When I left the room, I told my wife, “He’s not moving. It’s like he is dead.”

My wife proceeded to go into the bedroom to check on my dad. When I came back in the room, she was standing silently. We then pulled the covers down to see what was going on (he had the covers pulled all the way to his neck). When we did, we saw the blood from the gunshot and his .45 in his left hand. He had committed suicide. He was gone.

I called 9-1-1 to report what happened, and they asked if I wanted to try and revive him. I calmly said, “No ma’am; he’s gone.” The next few hours were an absolute blur. In a matter of minutes, there were close to twenty people in my parent’s house. They asked me questions, and I revealed to them exactly what had happened. My wife, being the incredible supporter that she is, lovingly led me to the couch to sit down. I then started to feel the impact of what had transpired.

Family, friends, and members of the congregation began to make their way into the house. I remember one of my cousins ordering pizza and everyone standing around eating and talking. I felt like a ghost in the house. There was so much noise, but, in a strange way, it calmed me down. I finally stepped outside to get some fresh air only to look back and see them taking my dad out of the house under a white sheet. I don’t know why, but I asked, “Is he dead?” They said, “Yes, sir. He is.” That statement was the closure I needed.

As hard and as brutal as this was, the hardest thing I had to do that day was tell my Momma what had happened; remember, she was very sick, battling Guillain-Barre Syndrome. She was confined to a wheelchair and could barely move her face to talk. She was sitting in her room looking out the window awaiting me and my dad’s arrival. Of course, he was not with me. I sat down, took her hands, and said, “Cortez took his life this morning. He was tired of fighting and didn’t want to do it anymore.” Dear reader, I hope you never have to experience a day like this!

A few days later, I preached my dad’s funeral. I was hollow. I knew that I had to keep my composure and honor him to the best of my ability. The finality of a cold graveside is a harsh reminder of Hebrews 9:27: “And as it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment.” After the funeral, we gathered back at the fellowship hall of the Adairsville congregation where I had just preached a Gospel meeting. Eating a meal with family and friends did my heart so good. Knowing that Jameson Steward and Jonathan Jenkins, two of my very best friends, traveled several hundred miles to be there with me. I will never forget that.

After some time, my family and I made our way back to South Georgia. As I write this two years later, I have no idea what we talked about or what happened in the following days. All I know is that my wife was so incredible through the whole process. She watched the kids and gave me space. I would not have gotten through everything without her. I also had the support of the Quitman congregation as my elders and every member supported me and were very patient and understanding. I’m eternally grateful for these good brethren.

I have shared my story with you in hopes that it can help someone who is battling depression or someone who has lost a loved one to suicide as the result of depression. If you are struggling with depression and trying to decide whether you want to live or die, I urge you to consider the following:

• First, you are loved. God gave you life and has demonstrated His love for you by sending His only begotten Son to die for you (John 3:16; Rom. 5:8).

• Second, you are important. You matter more than you realize. Not only are you made in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27), you have a soul that will exist somewhere forever.

• Third, you are needed. A son needs his dad. A wife needs her husband. Your family and friends need you. You can overcome your battle with depression and live a life devoted to the Lord.

I hope and pray you will consider these thoughts.

The text I used for my father’s funeral was Psalm 46. I will always cherish that Psalm as it came to life for me that day. The strength I gained from reading the words and the hope I realized by truly believing the words helped me to weather the storm of my father’s death. I would like to close with Psalm 46 and leave you with my thoughts from the text:

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though its waters roar and be troubled, Though the mountains shake with its swelling.

Selah [This word means stop and think about what has just been said]

There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God, The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High. God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved; God shall help her, just at the break of dawn. The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved; He uttered His voice, the earth melted. The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge.

Selah

Come, behold the works of the Lord, Who has made desolations in the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two; He burns the chariot in the fire. Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge.

Selah

God is able. God is available. Look unto Him for strength and comfort in time of need. Be still and know that He is there for you. Don’t blame God. Don’t hate God. Draw closer to God and lean on Him.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I truly hope this can be helpful. Always remember, darkness cannot compete with the light of the Gospel (2 Tim. 1:10).

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate Drew being willing to share his story with you and me. I asked him if he would be willing, and he said he was. But I know every time you tell a story like this, you have to re-live what happened.

The reason I wanted him to tell this story was because I truly believe it can be helpful. Depression and suicide are things that are not easy to talk about - and most who are struggling with their own depression or the pain of a loved one's depression or suicide keep it to themselves.

I hope his story reminds you that you are not alone, that you have people who love you, and that you have a God who loves you.

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Drew Suttles is a minister for the Quitman church of Christ in Quitman, Georgia, and one of my best friends in this world. They live-stream all their Bible classes and sermons on their YouTube channel.

Drew also hosts the “Weathering the Storm” podcast on the Scattered Abroad Network. Drew talks about facing life’s challenges as a child of God. His podcast will be a blessing to your life.