10 Things I've Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

And I'm still learning.

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When my wife and I got married ten years ago, celebrating our tenth anniversary seemed so far away. Now it’s here, and it seemed like it was just yesterday we were getting married.

I’ve learned quite a bit about being married in those ten years. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, and hopefully, I’ve gotten a few things right as well. Since I’ve been married for ten years, why not make a list of ten things I’ve learned about being married?

Some of these things I’ve learned from personal experience - some I’ve learned from observing other married couples I know.

So here we go, in no particular order…

1. It’s easier to grow apart than you think.

This feels impossible at first. At first, it’s just you and your sweetheart. You do everything together; you go everywhere together.

But then the kids come along, and all the activities the kids are involved in - church, school, friends, and sports. Before you know it, you barely have any time for just the two of you anymore. And that relationship that was built around the two of you can weaken if you never make time for just the two of you.

Setting aside time to be with each other is essential to keep your relationship strong.

2. You don’t need a lot of the stuff you think you need to have a happy life.

Did you dream of living with your family in a house out in the country surrounded by a white picket fence?

Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t - and there’s nothing wrong with that dream.

Sometimes we get a picture in our mind of what our “ideal life” looks like, and usually, it includes a beautiful house, nice cars, maybe a pickup truck, and maybe a few acres on the outskirts of town. But the truth is: you don’t really need any of that to have a happy life or a happy marriage.

If God blesses you with those things, then use them for His glory (1 Timothy 6:17-19). Don’t look to “stuff” to make you happy.

3. You need to talk.

I don’t like this one.

Out of everything on this list, this one is the hardest for me and the one I like the least. But it’s usually the most challenging things and the things you like least that are some of the most important things you can do.

Actually talking with each other - not fighting, not arguing - but just talking about things is so vital to your marriage. For example, if you don’t like when your spouse leaves their clothes or shoes lying in certain places, then just say so and tell them what you prefer they do.

Obviously, that’s a small thing, but if you ignore it instead of talking about it, it could become a BIG problem. And nobody wants that.

So talk.

4. Having kids won’t fix your problems.

This is so obvious to those of us with kids, but I don’t think it’s as obvious to married couples without kids.

If you’re having marriage problems, having a kid won’t fix anything. A child may distract you from the marriage problems, which will only result in you “kicking the can” down the road - and it gets worse.

Having kids might result in one or both of you taking your life more seriously. Some people get serious about kicking certain habits to the curb or come back to God because they know they need to be better for their kids.

But merely having children won’t fix any problems.

5. Going the extra mile is worth it.

You’re tired and have plenty on your own plate that you need to do.

And then your spouse asks you to do something. Do you get frustrated and do the job as quickly and poorly as you can? Or do you take your time to do it right - and even go the extra mile in doing what was asked of you?

If you demonstrate extra effort and care in doing what was asked of you - maybe it’s something as simple as putting away clean clothes or sweeping the kitchen floor - you will show your spouse that you genuinely care for them and want to help them.

This is just one of the many ways to strengthen your marriage a little bit at a time.

6. Be merciful.

The person you marry is going to mess up sometimes.

You are going to do or say things that you shouldn’t sometimes. Don’t you want mercy from your spouse? I know I do - and the times my wife has been merciful to me have made a lasting impression on me.

I suppose mercy always has its limits, but plan to be someone who extends mercy to your spouse. They need it sometimes, and you need it too.

7. Protect the trust in your marriage.

Trust is part of the bedrock of marriage.

Marriage can be challenging enough even when a husband and wife trust each other. Without trust, a marriage is doomed to failure.

Take a good look at your life and habits.

Is there anything going on in your life that could undermine the trust between you and your spouse? If so, you’ve got to put everything you have into getting that out of your life if you want your marriage to last.

8. Don’t stop learning about your spouse.

As you grow older, you change. And no, I’m not just talking about what you look like.

Most likely, your dreams and goals now are not exactly what they were when you were 18. The things that worry you now are not what worried you when you were 18.

No matter how much you already know about your spouse, there’s always more to learn. This is another way to continue strengthening your marriage as the years go by.

9. Grow up.

Marriage is a beautiful blessing given to us by God (Genesis 2:23-25). However, it is a relationship that must be taken seriously.

One of the most unpleasant things I’ve seen is married couples reliving old “high school drama” and fighting about the same childish things they argued about when they were 16.

Marriage is for adults, not children. So don’t act like a child.

10. Follow the example of Jesus and His church.

The example of how husbands and wives are supposed to treat each other is Jesus and His bride - the church (Ephesians 5:22-33).

Our culture doesn’t dictate how husbands and wives treat each other - it goes all the way back to Jesus and His church.

Wives are supposed to respect their husbands as the church respects Christ and submit to their husband’s leadership. Husbands are supposed to love their wives how Christ loved the church - being willing to sacrifice themselves and their own desires for her.

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This is not a list of things I’ve perfected in my life. It’s just things I’ve learned over the last ten years that I’m trying to become better at.

Plenty of people have been married a lot longer than my wife and I have been. It would be interesting to hear some of what you have learned.

Let me know in the comments!